Well there, boys and girls, it's time for another rant!

First of all, I'm really, really bitter today. Why? I already wrote this piece of shit rant out and when I tried to post it, the fucking Blogger shit ate all my text which I was too stupid to copy and paste into another program before I hit the button. THANKS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Initial burst of rage aside, I'd like you all to check out this piece of shit:

Shitty Excuse For A Website

Let's start off with the title, shall we? The site is called "Guardians of the Silver Rose". Reading this title immediately got me to thinking. I observed two things in particular. Allow me to spell them out for you.

1) Roses are not silver. The only roses that are silver are fake plastic roses or actual roses painted silver or perhaps fake plastic roses painted silver. NONE OF THESE NEED TO BE GUARDED. And anyway, could you imagine someone coming up to you and giving you a fake plastic rose or a rose painted silver or a fake plastic rose painted silver? Let's examine such an event.

Since nearly everyone who reads 'blogs' are in high school, I shall present an example that you will be able to relate with. One moment while I get myself in the high school mindset. Ready? Here we go.


Yoyoyo, what up? Y'all be chillin' wit yo krew at da table in the cafeteria at lunch, ya dig? Y'all be laughing and havin' a good time when some ho step up to y'all and ask ya out. But she ain't just come up on you wit out bringin' ya nuttin'. No, she brought ya a SILVER ROSE. Now, how you be reactin' ta her?

A) The silver rose impresses you so much that you take her out back behind the cafeteria and fuck her right there.
B) You say, "What da fuck?! A silver rose?! What the hell is wrong with you, bitch?!", punch her in the stomach, bind her arms and legs to your lunch table, and hold her down while a lunch lady fucks her in the ass with one of those ladels they use to dish out mashed potatoes.
C) You thank her for her thoughtful gift and agree to take her to see Titanic Part 5 or some equally shitty teen movie.

The correct answer is B.

No one gives people fucking SILVER roses and with good reason. Jesus fucking Christ.

2) No rose in the history of the planet or even before history has ever needed to be guarded. ESPECIALLY not any rose painted silver (because that ensures the fucking thing is going to die /very/ soon if it's not dead already) or any rose made of plastic. It's a fucking FLOWER! No one guards FLOWERS! If you think you're going to get a job guarding a fucking plastic flower I've got some bad news for you. Better go back to your idea of being an interior decorator. Shit.

Though it makes me sick, I may as well talk about the 'content' of the site.

The welcome message goes a little something like this: "Sup eberybody!!! well uz nothin... juz bein bored as usual... well we haben't put up all da links yet coz we haben't had n e time yet... n pluz ebery thin disappeared on our front page... but we hab most of dem up... well we'll bhee puttin mor n mor things back up on da front page in da next few days... so rite now our site iz under construction.... so cum bax soon!!!! e-mail us bout n e thin u want to say @rhean_c_99@yahoo.com thanx!!!"

RIIIIIIIIIGHT.

Now listen to me, folks. I've spent years wading through pathetic AOL idiot speak. I'm well versed in fucking moron 7331 speak, too. Despite my years of experience in translating incoherent first grade level emails and website text into normal English, this completely stumps me. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SAYING!? The only thing I can make out in that mess is an email address. I suggest everyone email rhean_c_99@yahoo.com and suggest he stop ditching English As A Second Language class.

Moving on, there are a lot of phony links that go nowhere. Always a clever design choice. And, naturally, this little feller has some interests he'd like to ram down your throats. Get how fucking innovative and exciting this guy's topics are. Ready? Sailor Moon, Card Captor Sakura, Gundam Wing, and Final Fantasy! Oh yes! Trendy anime shows aimed at third grade girls and the trendiest of (shitty) video games! Way to go, cowpoke!

Check this shit out. When you click on the gallery links for either Sailor Moon or Card Captor Sakura it goes to the same place. A single page (with an eye-incinerating background) with the word 'Sakura' on it. Now, you may think that is a link to get to their Card Captor Sakura gallery. I disagree. It's actually a very profound message.

Now, you may not be aware of this, but the word 'sakura' is Japanese for cherry blossom or cherry blossom tree. Japan is famous for their beautiful environment when the cherry trees bloom. To celebrate every year they have a splendor-filled cherry blossom FESTIVAL. The cherry blossom thing has also been worked into zen philosophy and the code of bushido (the set of rules and honor that all samurai were required to follow lest they disembowel themselves in shame). So, the eye-ripping page with the single word 'sakura' on it is really the Internet equivilent of a zen meditation room.

Actually, no. I lied. It really is a link to their shitty Card Captor Sakura gallery. Fuck, disappointment abounds at this particular website, doesn't it? Just rip my urethra out with a fork, okay?

Aside: 'Sakura' can also mean 'decoy' in certain circumstances. Maybe THAT is what they were talking about... this was all a big trick to keep me from noticing the horrofic crime against nature and humanity poetry section.

So guess what the Card Captor Sakura gallery (and Sailor Moon gallery, apparently) contains? Exactly seven images of the nine year old girl that stars in the anime, stolen from other websites and shrunken down to hide the logo of the site they stole it from. This very intelligent shrinking scheme also had the splendid side effect of making the pictures nearly impossible to make out. Good show, young retard, good show.

Some background on Card Captor Sakura for you: It's a show about a nine year old girl dressed in all sorts of 'sexy' costumes. It has only two audiences. They are respectively pedophiles who watch it to masturbate to Sakura's undeveloped breasts and actual nine year olds who want to learn how to dress and act to get pedophiles to give them some good loving of their own. Everyone else could care less about the show. Since this site was created by a guy who is no doubt an AOL-based teenager (I'll go out on a limb and say sophomore year), he and his friends are probably the charter members of Future Pedophiles of America. Jesus CHRIST.

GET AN EDUCATION, STUPID!

[Sigh]

Continuing, the brilliant creator of this website left a helpful message for us: "sowee bout da pics... it's so small we know but juz click on dem to make dem bigger"

WHAT THE FUCK?! Sowee bout habin da frontal lobe o mine brayn cowwapse.

Fuck. Only three of the images are linked and they are linked back to the aforementioned zen meditation room -- NOT to larger sized pictures. YOU ARE MORON.

Now onto the Final Fantasy shit. Now, I don't know how familar you are with Final Fantasy, so I figure I should explain the basics. Ready? Let's go. The last four games have been immense piles of shit. Did you happen to see or hear about the Final Fantasy movie? You know how it's two hours of boring, lackluster plot, shitty, idiotic characters and lifeless, creepy computer graphics? Stretch that out to 360 hours of footage like that, mix in a total of six minutes of actual game, and you have the formula for a great Final Fantasy game. Fans (and by fans I mean frothing idiots who decided to attach their genitalia to Square) will try to defend this by saying that the characters are very well developed and talk about how great the graphics are. They are liars and idiots. 360 hours of the same stupid, shallow archetypes trotting around the world fighting the same stupid monsters that have been in the last 8850005203582358250298350235 RPGs (going all the way back to Dungeons And Dragons) but with 'better' graphics and using the same 6 call monster spells (which they disguise with nifty names like Espers and Guardian Forces and Aeons and Ron Jeremy and Peewee Herman), but they are the same shitty 6 monsters that they swiped out of various world mythologies (Greek/Roman, Hindu, Zoroastrianism, et cetera) that they have been using since the fucking series started. WITH THE SAME EFFECTS! (Only shinier and the effects take 234.4 times as long in the latest game as they did in the last game.) But sometimes you get really lucky and have to level the pieces of shit up. Oh yes. Levelling up is the most fun thing about RPGs, alright. I want to have to level up my fucking SPELLS now. Can I level up my SWORD next? How about levelling up my TENT? Can I have 65000000 tedious, boring quests to go on just to get my left sock's experience to go from 123480 to 2340972348092342098340234809243 so I can have my left sock be level 3? KISS MY ASS!

This is not called entertainment. This is called boredom and stupidity.

Oh yeah. So this dick has a gallery for Final Fantasy VIII and Final Fantasy X. Because he's new and trendy and shit. Guess what? They are pictures stolen from other websites shrunken down so you can't see the logo again. No, clicking on them does not make them larger. Oh yeah, and the Final Fantasy VIII page has a piece of fan art stolen from another site that has been shrunken down so much that it is now 10 pixels by 10 pixels. At this size, the biggest Final Fantasy VIII fan in the entire world wouldn't be able to recognize the character. At this size the character's own CREATOR couldn't recognize them. Good show, assholes. Good show.

Ugh. Next is a part I really like. The Awards section. WHAT KIND OF BRAINDEAD FUCK WOULD GIVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT AN AWARD? I love it. There are six awards listed there. All of them are Sailor Moon awards. And there isn't a single byte of Sailor Moon content on this site beyond the words 'Sailor Moon' written once on the main page with a link to the Card Captor Sakura gallery. Very appropriate.

Now we get to the most traumatic part of the page: The poetry.

See if you can follow this introduction. "Juz clik on da links n u'll go straight to da poem u wan... Dese poemz r from websitez n sum r ritten by uz... feel free to take n e of dem as u lyke as long az u will bhee sure to giv da peepz dat made dem credit ok thanx...n if deze r n e of ur poemz n u would lyke us to put your name up on our website feel free to e-mail uz wit ur names... o alzo if n e of u peepz would lyke ur poem up on our website juz tell us n we'll bhee mor dan happy to put it up :)"

Listen to me. If you ignore everything else I say, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stay in school. I don't care if you're pregnant with your 85th child. DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL. I'm afraid even if people like you are doing nothing but handling my McDonald's hamburger. I do not want someone like you getting near my food supply. STAY IN SCHOOL.

The first poem starts off like this: "I see your face, you look at me/That smile of yours that melts my heart". Unfortunately, I had to stop reading at this point because my liver was trying desperately to crush my windpipe in a effort to keep my body from being subjected to this shit. So I must comment only on these two lines. Suggestion 1: Stop masturbating to Hallmark greeting cards and Fisher Price Little People while sitting on Hello Kitty stationary. Suggestion 2: PAY ATTENTION IN REMEDIAL ENGLISH CLASS!

Let's start on the next poem and see if I can get it past my liver. "The look in your eyes/Are no longer cold". ACK! My stomach! My liver is trying to rip open my stomach in order to fill my internals with churning stomach acid! Okay! Okay! I'll stop!

By the way, that would be 'The look in your eyes/IS no longer cold', you fucking moron.

You know how every one of these shitty websites and 'blogs' must have some moronic quotes on it from half-wit celebrities or their retarded friends? This one has an entire page of it. You must witness this.

Quotez, LOL!

Can you even read this? It's like fucking moonmen or the Japanese or Japanese moonmen wrote this shit. WHAT IS THIS?! "I dropped mha tear out on da ocean". HUH? Did ANY of you understand that? "If da only way I kan see u is in mha dreamz... den i would sleep forever..." If that were written in an actual HUMAN language the tenses still wouldn't agree. FUCK.

Okay, I can't take any more of this. YOU ARE DOUBLE PLUS MORON!