The Tyrant showed me the following site.

I Almost Shit My Pants When I Clicked On This Link

Good fucking God. Is this shit for real? Can you believe this? The title is 'A prince in search of a princess'. And then there's this picture... I don't know what the hell that's a picture of, but it sure as fuck ain't a man. My intial thought was that it was a really ugly crossdresser wearing a fake mustache. But then there's the beard. And what the FUCK is that on his/her/its' head?! That HAS to be a wig, right?

And then he/she/it's ranting how he/she/it's a singer and sold many records. What, your mother buys 800 copies of everything you make? Is she so independently wealthy that she can afford that many copies of the same thing? Wait. I changed my mind. I don't think that THING has a mother. That has to be some bizarre experiment with splicing human DNA with a warthog or something.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING WEARING? Michael Jackson wouldn't be caught wearing that shit, and he was the guy with the denim jacket that had forks sewn onto it.

It says, "I am searching for a girlfriend. The picture on the left is me. Aren't I very sexy?"

Answer: GOD IN HEAVEN NO. I suspect "I am searching for a girlfriend" translates into "I am an evil alien space monster seeking a warm body to implant my eggs into. The victim must be young and strong so that she'll live through the birth process (i.e., little monsters ripping through her stomach) long enough for the babies to be born. Oh yes, and strong enough so that the victim's neck wont break when I ram my ovapositor down their throat. I also do bar mitzvahs."

Let's switch over to Scatman of Eat Tokyo! fame briefly for his comments: I think this fellow is mentally ill - no kidding, either. You can also quote me that he's obviously repressing his homosexuality. Yeah. He looked gay, too (no insults to gay people, either). And I mean that literally. Either that or possibly bi.

Back to me. This really has to be a sick joke. The government has to be putting us on. This can't be real. Then I click the pictures link. OH MY GOD. He looks like a 70's female pop singer... or more like an Asian Ru Paul impersonating one. And a right click on the picture gets you the following charming message: "Asian Prince is so HOT!!" This is wrong on so many levels it makes the very soul quake with fear and anguish. When I started vomitting up internal organs I decided it was time to click something else.

I clicked the vehicles link, and before I knew it I was laughing so hard my intestines shot out my nose. Well. Not really. But if felt like it. "This is one of my many vehicles. It may look like an ordinary van, but it is very heavily modified. My sexy friend, Laura said it's sexy. I had the backseats removed and a very comfortable bed installed! Also, I made it virtually sound-proof! These options cost me a lot of money, but I have lots to spend." Riiight. Translation: I am a big fucking queen. Homo homo gay gay gay. Gay van. Homo homo. I am gay. Gay. Rich. Gay."

You've got to understand, folks, this is like Little Richard trying to convince you he wants your pussy. It's just not believable. I bet homosexuality as an entity is disgusted by this ... person. Probably the gay community kicked him out. They were probably in denial. I bet they thought, "There's no WAY this guy can be one of us. Get him the fuck out of here." So they trained him to say he was straight. Or maybe this is a public relations scheme. Maybe the gay community wants to go, "Look! We're not so weird after all! Check that guy out! He's straight! Everyone point and laugh!" Whatever, guys.

So then I clicked on Possible Dates against my better judgement and found a highly amusing statement. Ready? "I am not gay, so guys, don't bother sending in your picture. As a punishment for thinking I'm gay, I posted a picture of this man, named Dustin. He is in the Possibly Gay Men section. If you ever seen him, now you know he's gay! Don't send in pictures if you're a guy, or you'll face the same punishment as him!"

Yeah. Because I'm sure the readership of this website is so high that EVERYONE Dustin ever met now know he's gay. Also, I hate to doubt you, Asian Prince, but you're lacking a little credibility in that department. The only way your attire could appear MORE flamboyantly homosexual was if you had "I AM GAY" written out in giant letters (made of shiney gold sequins) on your jacket. I'm not sure I believe you when you try to call other people gay.

Moving on to the actual "possible princesses" section there's the expected assortment of Hollywood starlets and then some INCREDIBLY UGLY PEOPLE. This one 'woman' was obviously a man with a wig and lips the size of the Empire State Building, wearing enough eyeliner to paint the ass of an elephant. The overall effect is sheer horror. It's like the first time you watched the footage of the plane slamming into the WTC. And then the very last picture is clearly the risen corpse of one of the Golden Girls lusting for the taste of brains and honey. It's a Honey of an Ooooo, it's Honey Brains Cheerios!

Either this guy got a bunch of joke submissions from some cruel pranksters (who I want to join this 'blog' RIGHT NOW) or he/she/it spent a day typing 'sexy princess' into Google's image search and downloaded every picture he/she/it found.

I also like how Dustin "Screech" Diamond is at the top of the Possibly Gay Men page. This has to fake.

Now that my brain is irrevocably scarred, it's time to move on to the 'blog' section of this sick, sick excuse for a person's website.

He/she/it says, "Since I am the Asian Prince, it is important to document moments of my life. I am truly living life like a prince."

I reply: Since I am Ginrai, it is important for me to tell you to GET THE FUCK OFF OUR PLANET, EVIL SPACE CREATURE! WE DON'T WANT YOUR KIND HERE! INS IS GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS! GO BACK TO PLANET ZABOFULA OR WHERE EVER THE FUCK YOU ARE FROM. P.S. No one cares how you are living, freak.

"Wow, it has been about two months since I`ve written about my thoughts."

As with most 'blogs', this piece of shit is convinced we care how long its been since he shit all over the Internet. WHY?! WHY?! AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING?!

"As promised, I shall write about what happened during Valentine`s Day. I won`t give the exact details of what happened, because I don`t want to give out some of my secrets of seduction."

Secrets of seduction? What, are we talking roofies? Novacaine? Morphine? Chloroform?

"Valentine`s Day was spent with a very beautiful princess. I spontaneously showed up at her work and brought her to my mansion."

A more realistic take on this: "Valentine's Day was spent with a very beautiful princess. I showed up at the local 7-11, took one look after her, and spontaneously ejected my load of alien acid sperm all over the store. I was arresed and the local police brought me back to THEIR mansion. I was anally raped 74901293019237012937102983091823 times that night, often by three or four inmates at once."

"On the way to my place, I told her to put on a blindfold."

Translation: I kidnapped a girl, bound, gagged, blindfolded her, and dragged her back to my ramshackle hut in southern Alabama that I constructed entirely out of rotting wood.

"She couldn`t wait to see what I had in store for her. I was whispering to her what I was going to do later on. Of course she wanted to go to the backseat with me."

I beat her over the head about five times with a 2x4. I was whispering to her about how I was going to kill her after I raped her with my ovapositor. Of course she wanted to squirm into the backseat in a sad attempt to escape, but my 2x4 put a quick end to her struggles."

"We pulled up to my place and went inside. I set up a trail of candles leading to my bedroom. I told her to take off the blindfold. She was very very excited."

We pulled up to my place and I dragged her unconscious body inside. I set up a trail of empty vodka bottles leading to my bedroom. Well. 'Set up a trail' is kind of misleading. That's just sort of where they landed when I threw them after I finished them off. I pulled the blindfold off of her. She was drooling and mumbling incoherently.

"We followed the trail of candles. I could hear her heartbeat as she saw my bed covered in rose petals. She then turned to me. I looked directly in her eyes and gave her a slow, long kiss. She was trembling as soon as our lips touched."

I followed the trail of empty bottles dragging her body. I dumped her on a half rotted beanbag I fished out of a sewer. I waved some smelling salts under her nose and she woke up coughing and sputtering. Intense fear showed in her eyes. Before she could run I punched her in the stomach and gave her a long, slow kiss. She was trembling with animal fear as soon as our lips touched.

"I gave her an orgasm by kissing."

BULL FUCKING SHIT. This proves he's gay. No woman in the history of the world has ever had an orgasm from kissing, unless by kissing you mean sucking on her clitoris. Furthermore, no man would WANT a girl to orgasm from a kiss. Why? Then he wouldn't get to penetrate her. Duh.

"You all know where this is heading. Three hours later, we had dinner in bed."

You all know where this is heading. I hacked her head off and ate her internal organs in bed.

Okay. I can't possibly handle another fucking day in the life of this delusional crackhead. That being the case, I clicked on the music link. There's a couple of great pics of two seperate lynch mobs trying to kill him/her/it. I guess we're supposed to believe they're proof of his/her/its musical super stardom. I idiotically clicked the link for his song.

WHAT THE HELL? Dyslexic homosexual rap over a three second loop of drums and a 'concert sounds' loop while someone stands on a cheap Casio keyboard? This guy must be rich as hell. I bet everyone loves this shit. Where's my baseball bat? I have to destroy my fingers so I can never ever visit a site like this again, even on accident.

I can't take anymore of this.

Prince nothing... God save the queen... he ain't no human being.