Madonna rocked in the 80s. That's like all my sister used to listen to. Woo. Grew up on that... and Wham!... and stuff. Before I went, "Hey, this is shit!", and moved onto Nirvana, et cetera and indie type music like Blur. But anyway, Rap sucks. Especially white rappers. They suck even more. You're not alone, EvilKat! I, too, did not grow up with shitty parents, or poverty et cetera. (Though PLENTY of cheapness.) Of course, what is just funny is that my dad was born in 1937... on a farm! Bwahaha! Farm! Sorry, I hate farms... too much like hard work! Of course, I also hate idiots.

Well, Tyrant may be the oldest... or second oldest, whatever, but I shall claim myself to be the youngest!(And the one with the most sarcastic personality. As voted by all my schoolfriends! *mumble... mumble... must kill...*) I was laughing earlier, when I found out Disturbed were playing at the Barrowlands here. I hate them. It was funny. I also found out Royksopp are playing. Who are Royksopp you ask? Well, I have no fucking clue, but with a name like that they must be good! And the ticket for their gig costs over £10! (Very rarely do I spend more than £10 on tickets, unless it is a band I really want to see.) Oh look, Bowling for Soup are playing. Woo... not. They suck too. Oh and so are Def Leppard... er... alrighty.

Oh and I hated Michigan. Filthy place, or Detroit was, and we only passed thru it! It scared me, of course, so do most American towns. Crazy Americans!

- Ian

Hey Tyrant. You're NOT the oldest person on MFO. I think that dubious honor actually rests with... well, I don't want to make anyone feel bad. Annnnnyway...

Oh yeah, and I'd like to add that Michigan is clearly some form of America's hand. California, though? A leg maybe?

And one of my sisters is living in Alaska at this very moment, which apparently suits her perfectly because she hates people.

Oh, one more thing. To this gamerinsomniac fellow: Run Like Hell sucks. It's boring and fatally flawed. And not scary.

And wishes it was Alien.

And there have been lots of Transformers games, starting with the two Commodore 64 games and the Famicom games. They've all been pretty bad, but one of the Commodore 64 ones was actually a bit fun, even if it was impossible. Both of the Famicom games are horrible. The PlayStation/PC Beast Wars game is horrible. I haven't played the PlayStation Beast Wars: Transmetals game, but I have played the Nintendo 64 version, and it's pretty awful. One bright side: it features Transmetal Airazor and Waspinator. The only other TF game that's been worth playing outside of the Commodore 64 one that I liked is the Gameboy BW game. I had a lot of fun smashing my way through the fighting game as Megastorm. Major bonus points for combining characters from Beast Wars, Beast Wars II, and Beast Wars Neo. Too bad you don't seem to be able to play my favorites, the Space Pirate Seacons from II. Ah well. Can't win 'em all.

Oh yeah, while I've been busy busy sick busy Vice City busy-ing lately, I forgot to mention something else I stole from IMDB.

Madonna is an idiot.

I'm sure this comes as no shock to any of you, considering that she was fucking Vanilla Ice for a while and actually has pictures of herself and Vanilla Ice together... naked... in a book (her scandalously titled Sex)... but, well, here. Read this.

"Madonna Turns to Rap

The Queen of Reinvention Madonna has found another new venture to try out - rapping. The Material Girl is following in the footsteps of female MCs Missy Elliott and Eve by rhyming on her new album. Madonna is currently editing a list of songs down to just ten tracks, which will include a hardcore rap tune. Madonna enthuses, 'There's a song on it where I do a really cool rap which was inspired by Eminem. I think he's very talented and I can't wait to see his movie.'"

Madonna, you are such a moron. I really want to like you. When I was 6 years old I was in love with your 'Who's That Girl' song. But... dear God. You are a moron.

In other news, this Eminem movie she's referring to, 8 Mile is a crock of shit. It's called that because it's supposed to be about 8 Mile Road in Michigan, allegedly a border between Detroit and not-Detroit. Listen. I grew up on 17 Mile Road in what is now officially Clinton Township, but used to be technically part of Mt. Clemens. I've been to Detroit numerous times and been on 8 Mile numerous times. It's not that special. Really. It's not some mystic dividing line between the rich and the poor. It's not a big fucking deal. Detroit is a pit and it gets gradually less shitty the farther away you get from the city proper. There is not some magic wall between the haves and the have-nots. It's all shit. Maybe in the years since I moved to California it's changed, but I seriously doubt it. I was down there last Christmas and last summer and I didn't see anything new, interesting, or spectacular around there.

To make matters worse, Eminem is not from Detroit. He is not from a primarily black neighborhood, and he sure as hell isn't from the ghetto. He's is from fucking Warren, which is a white yuppie ass suburb.

I repeat: 8 Mile is a crock of shit. Do not believe these lies. Eminem is not hardcore. He is an idiot and a poseur. And if you want to talk about shitty childhoods, (and no, growing up in Warren and struggling to be the first white guy to follow in Vanilla Ice's footsteps does not count as a shitty childhood), let's discuss the little matter of my house on 17 Mile burning. TWICE.

Imagine little 9 year old Ginrai gets off the plane and into his grandparent's van. His dad's in the back with him and his two sisters and is telling them a story. About how a couple of weeks ago the kitchen caught fire. It wasn't that bad, really. Their dad woke up somehow and escaped the toxic fumes and flames, sprayed the fire with the extinguisher, got out, ran to the neighbors and called the fire department. The house was saved and not that much was damaged. Doesn't sound too horrible, right? A week later the fire mysteriously restarted. Listen. A fire does not smolder for a week and then restart, especially not when the entire house has been inundated with water. Add this to the fact that the nearest neighbor was years later arrested for charges of arson, and what do you get? One fucked up situation. Yeah.

The second fire ruined the entire house, and if we weren't poor enough before, we sure as fuck were afterwards. We were so poor the only reason we were able to survive was the kindness of our church. They allowed us to live in the old parsonage where the church's permanent pastor lived before he quit and was replaced by temporary pastor after temporary pastor for years. Most of our stuff was destroyed, and before we could sell the land that we could no longer afford to keep, we had to pony up the money to bulldoze the house. No, it was not salvagable and no we couldn't afford to build another one on it. In exchange for mowing the church and parsonage lawns regularly, doing odd jobs for the church, and such, we were allowed to live for a couple years in the old parsonage next door to the church/school we attended. After a year we couldn't even afford to pay for us to attend the private school any longer and my sisters and I had to go to public school despite living right next to the private one we had gone to all our lives. Fun stuff, huh? We lived largely off donations from the church, our dad's meager earnings as a substitute teacher at the poor ass, shithole Mt. Clemens High School (which was primarily black as I'm sure will be what Eminem's schooling will be portrayed like in fucking 8 Mile, unlike the Warren schools Eminem attended) and help from my grandparents. In fact, I am at San Francisco State today by the grace of my grandparents.

So listen... poor is when you fucking live in housing your church provides you. Poor is when you can't afford a VCR in 1991. Poor is when your only TV is a tiny black and white affair about 4 inches borrowed from your babysitter. Poor is when your only Christmas presents are some Ninja Turtles toys and some Legos donated to your family. Poor is when you can't play with your toys outside of the basement because they are all sooty and smell, even after they're washed off. Poor is when your family cannot afford a comic book.

Kiss my ass you fucking fake piece of shit, Eminem. You were probably one of those jackasses that drove by me in your dad's fucking BMW blaring Vanilla Ice wearing designer clothes while I froze my ass off wearing second hand jeans and an ugly yellow sweatshirt (also second hand) outside the parsonage waiting for the always-late bus to arrive so I could go to school and eat the free shitty ass pizza lunch graciously provided to me by the state of Michigan because we were so poor.

Since most of what I listened to in Michigan was rap and techno, I used to think it might be cool to be a rapper one day. One of my friends back at the private school introduced me to Public Enemy, NWA, and Run DMC when I was in like third grade. (BTW, with regard to Run DMC my condolances... what happened a few days ago was FUCKED UP. I feel really bad about that, and the fact that Run DMC is on the radio in the 80's themed Grand Theft Auto: Vice City that I got last weekend is welcome, but also bitterly ironic.) Yeah, being a rapper seemed like a good idea. Then I saw Vanilla Ice and shuddered. Now you know why I decided to follow that techno angle, eh? Yuck. Vanilla Ice, Eminem, whatever. At least Vanilla Ice didn't go lying about his childhood.

Oh, and one more thing... I was obsessed with video games and Nintendo in particular (not that I'm not anymore), but I was too poor to have any. I only got to play at my friend's houses occasionally, and while I was never allowed to play, would watch my babysitter's oldest son play for hours. I took to drawing my own games or copying NES games with my drawing. Kind of sad, huh? Eventually we got a used Commodore 64 from some friends of the family for $200, which was like the biggest gift ever, some years after the fire when we had finally started to recover a little. Yeah, it was in the era of Super Nintendo when I got my C-64, but it served nicely. Now you know the origin of my Commodore fixation, my techno love, and why I hate Eminem and his shitty 8 Mile. All I have to say is that Eminem should be ashamed of himself almost as much as director Curtis Hanson.

Hanson is lying to you all. IMDB says that 8 Mile is a, "loose adaptation of Eminem's rise from the ghetto of Detroit, on the dividing line of the 8-mile strip separating blacks from whites." Loose alright... This is all bullshit. Eminem rose from the rich bitches because and only because Dr. Dre claimed he was legit. Since Dr. Dre is regarded as legit (and why not?), and he's got major clout, anyone he says is a rapper must officially be one. Know why? Having a white guy as your rapper is the only way to reach the top of the charts with rap and make serious bank. See the Beatie Boys and Vanilla Ice. Way to sell out, Dre. Oh yeah, and 8 Mile doesn't divide blacks and whites. It divides shitty houses with slightly less shitty houses. It's still all shit.

And another thing. Eminem cannot rap worth a shit. He can't even keep in time with the beat. What the fuck is that shit? Jesus fucking Christ. You think just because you talk really fast we wont notice that you can't keep the beat? Get me some Mr. Magic. Get me some Run DMC. Get me some Grandmaster Flash. Get me some Del (-tron 3030 or his funky homosapien self, either way is fine), just don't give me this bullshit. Hell, you know Eminem is going to be in the same embarrassing spot at the bottom of your CD rack where your Vanilla Ice, New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, Hanson, or other sad records go that you feel stupid for buying. Go fads! At least Vanilla Ice could belt out, "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" in time with the Ninja Turtles' dancing. Ugh.

To sum up, Madonna is dumb and Eminem is only popular because he's white and Dr. Dre wanted to capitalize on a larger market. If you send money his way, you are telling Dr. Dre it's a good idea to put out fake bullshit. Try buying a fucking copy of Deltron 3030's self-titled album instead. You'll be sending a much better message and will get some really awesome music with some awesome rapping and relevent, brilliant lyrics. I'd say buy some good old school stuff like Mr. Magic or the others I mentioned above, but Del is current, out there performing, and he could use your support more. A couple of guest stints on the Gorillaz CD does not count. You have to buy one of his solo albums or a Deltron 3030 album.

Would it were that they shot Eminem instead...

Hey there, folks. Sorry I've been neglecting MFO lately, but it hasn't been entirely my fault. In fact, for the most part, it's been out of my hands. Last week I failed to update ye olde website because I was feeling like shit and overwhelmed with school stuff. This week I was getting over being sick, but still planning to rock out the latest episode of Masterforce.org when a small disaster struck last night. The power went out on the entire campus. Just... poof. I sat in my room, alone, with no electricity, not even a light, for hours. Thrilling, I assure you. I eventually gave up and went over to my friend's place. They got power back in her dorms before we did in my apartment, so we watched Friday, which was kind of funny, even though it was really stupid. But hey, stupid-funny can be good. When I got home the power finally came back, but your humble author was too tired by that point. I'd have done it tonight despite being a day late and a buck short, to bring up the old cliche, but I had this little assignment to do involving a Nosferatu and a Dracula. The upside of this is that you're getting an article out of the experience. The downside of this is that I watched two movies and wrote a paper on them tonight instead of sleeping and didn't have time to update Masterforce.org. Ah well. Please forgive me.

I'm sure you noticed that I haven't been around, BTW, because I haven't been here to correct people's typos (Hi Ian!), or just plain bad information. (Hey Ian and Tyrant... Return of the Living Dead featured strong, smart, powerful, fast zombies in the early 80's. You're both wrong.)

I was going to mention this before, but you know that story already. But do you know this one? Our dread lord Castro had a little chitchat with a certain movie director. I stole these from the Internet Movie Database (IMDB.com), who stole them from World Entertainment News Network. I'd link them, but fuck them. They don't need more publicity. Read on.

"Spielberg Blasts US Policy on Cuba

Superstar movie director Steven Spielberg has blasted the US trade embargo against the communist-run island of Cuba. The Jaws helmer is currently on a trip to the Caribbean nation to meet young Cuban cinematographers and attend a festival showing eight of his films. He says, 'I personally feel this embargo should be lifted. I don't see any reason for its existence beyond grudges carrying into the 21st century.' Spielberg, 55, says he had seen several Cuban films in the past and found their scripts to be 'interesting and passionate.' He adds, 'I am here to meet a very rich and varied culture.' The Cuban Institute Of Cinematographic Arts And Industry invited Spielberg to Cuba, where he will meet with Cuban filmmakers and visit the International School Of Film And Television, which trains students from around the world in the moviemaking arts. Spielberg will also launch a festival of his films by attending the Cuban premiere of his most recent film, Minority Report. Spielberg is also scheduled to visit Havana's main synagogue to meet the Jewish community and attend a reception with US diplomats and their families stationed in Havana. Accompanying Spielberg on the trip are his wife, actress Kate Capshaw; cinematographer Janusz Kaminski and television director Jake Paltrow."

And then, read this one, too. It came later.

"Spielberg Meets with Castro

Hollywood director Steven Spielberg met with Cuba's Communist leader Fidel Castro on Monday during his four-day visit to the country. The pair spoke for eight hours, and discussed cultural exchanges, history, the environment and the US trade embargo, according to official delegates. Jaws filmmaker Spielberg was invited to Cuba by the Cuban Institute Of Cinematographic Arts And Industry. The director attended the Cuban premiere of his most recent film, Minority Report, Tuesday night and told the crowd of hundreds gathered outside the venue that Cubans were 'exploding with passion and talent and self-respect.' He added, 'I feel so much at home here. I hope to come back many times in the future.'"

Not that I'm not jealous of Spielberg getting to meet mighty Castro, but what the hell does Spielberg think he's doing in Cuba? Is this some bizarre marketing campaign? Or did we just win the world's first celebrity member of the Orbanic Havana Church?

Hmm, sadly, I'm not to sure about that Tyrant. See, the movie is well, new, only out a few weeks. But you never know, maybe the director just swiped the idea from one of the many, many, cheap, crappy zombie flicks out there? The plot also is very Resident Evil/Other zombies films. A deadly virus infects people, turning them into zombies if they get bitten by a zombie, or they swallow a zombies blod somehow... the usual. I believe it's also about this guy, who is in a coma in a hospital and wakes up, only to find Britain in chaos or something.... whatever. Anyway, er... more dancing? I see.... *blows up his blow-up doll lookalike. Ties it with a piece of string to the ground, then spins it in a tango type spin!* He'll never suspect a thing!

- Ian(Who knew who was dead sexy. He's Scottish!)

I was in town at the weekend, and bought the YF-19 model kit by Hasegawa... oooo, pretty! Anyway, I'm easily scared, and also easily amused(I'll laugh at generally anything) actually, one zombie type film I want to see, is 28 Days Later.... oh.... zombie type people... which can RUN! No more walking slowly and crying out,"Brains! Braiiins!" etc Oh no, now it's red eyes, bite, eat, you run away, they chase you, you beat them with a baseball bat, huzzah! Now it looks good, but it supposed to be really scary. Best bring a large coat to hide behind methinks, of course, that is if I ever get round to go to the pictures to see it, which I probably won't! I never actually watch many films... except porn films. You know it's a bad porn film when there is more than 10 minutes of 'plot' between sex scenes.

Oh and just for you Tyrant,*dances the night away and crap before laughing at some old people*

- Ian