Boom! Black holes are pretty cool. However, I didn't know they made giant space explosions by shooting out the gas they didn't want to suck in. Neat.

Oh no! Will Eisner died!

Dammit!

I can't even come up with something smarmy to say.

Oh Iran, you wacky country.

How can you not love a country where it's perfectly okay to kill your children, because they're yours? You only have to pay a small fee. Like a parking ticket. I also enjoy that it's totally okay to murder a woman just because she has been accused of adultery. She doesn't even have to be proven guilty! Yes!

The only reason the man who murdered his wife after forcing her to "marry" some dude in an insane mockery of matrimony is that he also killed the dude. This sends a clear message to Iranians.

Accuse your wife of adultery, murder her, and then murder your children for witnessing it, but don't murder the guy she supposedly had an affair with.

Okay? Where do I sign up to move to Iran?

Why am I watching Golden Girls? Well, it's an annoying story. I was supposed to go back to Davis today, Hellbunny in tow. I was going to leave my mom's, escape the Christmas malaise, and plot my escape to L.A. in order to hopefully start my career. But before we drove back to Davis, Hellbunny wanted to stop by her old high school to visit her teachers and whatnot. Fine. So I dropped her off, and not two blocks later the car crapped out and would not restart.

Fuck.

Let's put this into further perspective. I just got this car. The reason I got the car is so I could go to L.A. with it. If it doesn't work, then I can't go to L.A., which defeats the purpose of getting the car and also defeats the $1600 I spent on it.

It could be worse. It's just the timing belt, which can be catastrophic. Luckily, I'm told it's a non-interference engine, which means that the timing belt breaking doesn't explode the valves or some shit like that. I don't know shit about cars.

But anyway, I can't go back to Davis, and I sure can't go to L.A. in the cars as it is. Hopefully this will all be fine tomorrow. But in the meantime, I'm back at my mom's house, at the mercy of my sister's television choices, and so I'm watching Golden Girls. But hey, it's not all bad. This episode is guest starring A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez) from Saved By The Bell!

Here's Lifetime's summary of the episode:

Dorothy becomes very excited and proud when Mario, a Latin boy she is tutoring, wins first place in a local writing contest for a story he wrote about his life in America. After the newspaper runs a story on Mario, the Immigration and Naturalization Service suspects Mario is in the country illegally and eventually makes him leave. Starring: Beatrice Arthur, Betty White, Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan.

It doesn't even say it's guest starring Mario Lopez! How sad! It's awesome, though, because he plays a character named Mario and this was obviously before Saved By The Bell. I just wonder if this is supposed to be a true life story. I mean, did a young Mario Lopez have to run from La Migra on a regular basis?!

Food for thought.

P.S. I'm going to spoil the story for you. Mario got deported.

Crouching Romeo, Hidden Juliet. I saw House of Flying Daggers last night, and that's sort of what it was like. The cinematography was beautiful, as was the choreography. There's a big problem, though. The screenplay is an absolute mess. It would be charitable to say it was half-baked. More accurate, perhaps, to say that it felt like they made it up as they went along. Look, I'm all for plot twists, but they need to make some sort of sense.

The basic idea is that two soldiers in the army of an empire waning in power (Leo and Jing) are charged with hunting down the new head of a revolutionary group. Hearing that a blind showgirl at a local brothel (Mei) is a member of said revolutionary group, the House of Flying Daggers, they set out to good cop bad cop her, with a little seduction thrown in. Jing tries to win her over and get her to take him to the House, but he predicably falls for her, and is then betrayed by his own general.

In fact, there's so many betrayals you could make a drinking game out of it. Every time someone switches sides, take a drink. Every time we see that tired ass slow motion dagger/arrow/bullet Matrix shot a little part of me dies inside. Every time the season randomly changes for no logical reason just so the director can show off, baby Jesu-... Buddha cries. The biggest problem, though, is that we get zero closure. Remember that whole fading emperor, dying dynasty thing? Forget it! Remember that whole treacherous general thing? Forget it! What about the themes of betrayal, love, man vs. woman, and the creepy undertone of misogynism? Uh, well, the movie doesn't really have anything to say about them. It brings them up, sure, but it fails to reach any kind of conclusion.

And then we get to the biggest problem. The ending. Don't read this if you don't want to be spoiled. Since it's a kung fu movie, there is the required climactic showdown. Which is so ridiculous it's shameful. Mei dies. Over and over and over. I mean, how can we feel anything for this chick when she just wont fucking stay dead?

Each of the main characters gets stabbed repeatedly and keeps going. Mei gets stabbed, collapses, and then it starts snowing for no reason. She spends what seems like hours bleeding to death and buried in snow, and then she comically gets back up to defend her love. And while I might buy the "I wont bleed to death unless I pull out the dagger" line, I don't believe it after she's been literally covered in snow. Yeah, there's these two things you have to consider: hypothermia and hands that are too fucking numb to yank out a dagger and throw it. I know it's supposed to be a big tragic thing that she throws her dagger and dies even though her old boyfriend didn't try to kill her new one after all, but it just comes off as ludicrous and contrived.

Andy Lau gamely tries to act his way out of this morass, but it's hard to build up emotional involvement with either male lead when they both tried to rape the female lead. There's just too many things that make no sense. They almost got a rise out of me when it was revealed that Leo was a member of the House of Flying Daggers soley to win over Mei and spent three years deep undercover for her. Then they just ruin all that when he tries to rape her. Jesus.

I must admit that I didn't see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Hero, but I did see Kill Bill and that is how you make an awesome martial arts movie. Cool fight scenes, good character development, and a plot that makes sense. Take notes, China. Tarantino learned from you. Now it's time for you to learn from him.